Here I am now, entertain me

My life’s pretty good. (I’m having some trouble aging gracefully but that’s a whole other matter.) I may have a little FOMO – who doesn’t? – so once a year or so I find myself signing up for match. I have been on ONE date through match in like five years of on/off again participation because evidently I’m a terrible person and I can’t get past presentation. And I’ve got pretty low expectations. I would like to get out of the house and have a pleasant conversation over dinner and drinks. That’s it. If it gets better from there, great.

I think about it a little like applying for a job. If it were part of an employment application, would you post a shitty selfie you took in your bathroom and then send it to a potential employer with a one-line cover letter: “Nice jobs?”

I would not.

So I’m just going to review my potential suitors (the ones who reach out to me) here. 

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First, shitty car selfie. With questionable shadows. If you GAF get a friend to take a picture of you in decent light, maybe in front of some scenery. Or buy a selfie stick ($5, Target) and go outside and take a pic. What can I tell from this picture? Best case scenario: has access to a car, maybe has a valid license. Worst case scenario: does not have $5, is missing the top of his skull and possibly his chin. 

Second, the one-line, no capitalization message. Maybe I’m just an advanced conversationalist but WTF. SO LAZY.  What am I supposed to do with this? Say you’re meeting someone at an event. Would you walk up and say “me want say hello” and then just stand there? And I have made it easy because my profile, which is conveniently attached to my photo, lists some things I like. HOW DIFFICULT IS IT to read a little, and then say “I wanted to say hello. You say you’re into pina coladas and getting lost in the rain. I too enjoy tropical drinks. Do you prefer yours with a paper umbrella or without?”

Best case scenario: you’re “Tindering” for lack of a better term. Clicking through a bunch of photos and sending the same message to each one. If I do meet you, you’ll call me Susan (not my name, btw) and rush through dinner because you’ve set up a date every 45 minutes and want to get home to your recliner to watch NCIS with a cold Coors 16-ouncer.

Worst case scenario: you have the personality and conversation skills of Milton from Office Space. Neither one of these options makes me think “gee I’d like to hang out with this person.”